First, there are wild dogs. These dogs don’t just wander the streets, they also hide in the bushes, and they are mangy, feral, ill tempered, and usually run in packs. You know in the bloopers at the end of Talladega Nights Will Ferrel says one of the problems facing America is packs of wild dogs that control most of the major cities? That is Tonga.
Second, there are guard dogs. Theft is high in Tonga, and with so many wild dogs around, a lot of people just throw some scraps of food at them until they start to guard their property. These are the kind I run into most when I’m biking – they always include the road as part of their territory. There is nothing I have found that will pump more adrenalin into your system then turning a corner and hearing three dogs on the other side of a fence growl and foam at the mouth as they begin running in what looks like the start of a race at the track. That’s because Tongan fences do not include working gates, and so seconds later you can bet those dogs will pop out of the yard at sixty miles an hour looking for you. When I ran into several such dogs on my way to the west coast, my bike chain had just jumped into the grove between second and first gear (as it sometimes does on the pothole filled roads). Trying to shift it up with dogs snapping at my ankles was…terrifying. I employed a theory I had been working on – cars in Tonga don’t slow down for dogs, and once a dog gets hurt he realizes that he should walk a little faster crossing the road. I gave the closest, meanest looking dog a solid kick in the nose, taking care not to lose my toes in the process. In that instant he looked right into my eyes and got ten times angrier. My chain finally hopped up to second gear, I immediately shifted it to third, and biked like never before.
The third kind of dog in Tonga is the dead dog. All three smell bad, but this is the only kind that poses no immediate danger to me.
Goofus and Doofus, along with Cat. Obviously I haven’t learned their real names, but these animals (and the dogs’ mother) patrol our apartment and are the only mammals in Tonga (bats included) that like me.
The obvious solution is to carry dog treats at all times, and eventually you'll have a pack of wild dogs at your command. Or a dog whistle.
ReplyDeleteOr mace...
ReplyDeleteMy Dad recommends a Puppy Pounder, which he carried in Egypt. It's also known as a stick (patent pending, of course).
ReplyDeleteOr you could do what Natalie Portman taught Zack Braff in Garden State, but I like animals so I won't say - and you likely won't have the angle on a bike. To continue with the theme I'll correct Craig - carry A mace. Maybe a morning star.
ReplyDeleteOr you could build an armoured shell for your bike. Think Snow Crash motorcycle, but not moving.
... Lastly if you're feeling adventurous, find a way to use the line "I thought they smelled bad on the outside" in conjunction to the dogs.